Recently there as been a lot of people telling that they are
expecting
or that they finally figured out what they are having and it's been
really hard for me (it's kind of hard for Logan but he's been more worry
about how I feel then anything else at that moment). It has been even
hard on me if I heard that they are having a boy. I am guessing it has
to do a lot with the miscarriage I had about a year and a half ago. I
had thought the whole time that it was a boy which doesn't help right
now.
Anyways, I got so depressed about it and made a
decision that I should just quit while I am a head of myself.What I am
by that is to quit trying for one because I felt that it wasn't going to
happen. Logan had to do a lot of talking to me before I was able to
change my mind back to keep trying for a child. But its just so hurtful
what I go thru and not a lot of my family members know what I am going
thru. My dad is starting to get an understanding since he's been living
here close to a year now and he sees me go thru the phases whenever
these times happen. But it also doesn't help the fact that he also adds
fuel to the fire too sometimes without knowing.
But
recently I have been having this repeating dream at nights where I am
having a child and enjoying everything about it. I am always so happy
during the dream but once I come back to reality, it hurts a lot. I do
want to know the joys of having a family but some times the pain itself
is so hard to manage. I really wish it wasn't but I know if I don't go
thru this then I won't enjoy the time with my bundles of joy as much
when the time comes. In a way, I guess I know what the Heavenly Father
felt when he sent Jesus to earth.
In may be hard for us in the end to get pregnant but our desires are righteous and true. In one way or another we will have a children one day and we just can't wait for that day to come.
