Some Very Hard Times

Recently there as been a lot of people telling that they are expecting or that they finally figured out what they are having and it's been really hard for me (it's kind of hard for Logan but he's been more worry about how I feel then anything else at that moment). It has been even hard on me if I heard that they are having a boy. I am guessing it has to do a lot with the miscarriage I had about a year and a half ago. I had thought the whole time that it was a boy which doesn't help right now.

Anyways, I got so depressed about it and made a decision that I should just quit while I am a head of myself.What I am by that is to quit trying for one because I felt that it wasn't going to happen. Logan had to do a lot of talking to me before I was able to change my mind back to keep trying for a child. But its just so hurtful what I go thru and not a lot of my family members know what I am going thru. My dad is starting to get an understanding since he's been living here close to a year now and he sees me go thru the phases whenever these times happen. But it also doesn't help the fact that he also adds fuel to the fire too sometimes without knowing.

But recently I have been having this repeating dream at nights where I am having a child and enjoying everything about it. I am always so happy during the dream but once I come back to reality, it hurts a lot. I do want to know the joys of having a family but some times the pain itself is so hard to manage. I really wish it wasn't but I know if I don't go thru this then I won't enjoy the time with my bundles of joy as much when the time comes. In a way, I guess I know what the Heavenly Father felt when he sent Jesus to earth.

In may be hard for us in the end to get pregnant but our desires are righteous and true. In one way or another we will have a children one day and we just can't wait for that day to come.