Been So Long

Wow, I can't believe that life has been so busy and it's taken me this long to even write anything. The last time I wrote in here was in May. There has been so many things happening for us. Some not so good and some as been an adventure.

Let's see..at the end of May, we ended up adopting a dog so that Aeris would have someone to play with so I could get stuff done around the house instead of always playing with her. The dog we adopted is named Layla, she is a full bred german sheppard but the smaller bred. She is only a month older then Aeris is. She is very much like a guard dog. She doesn't play as much as Aeris does and she is always on guard even if she is laying down or if she is just watching me doing stuff. We got her from the Pocatello pound. She is very sweet and loves meeting new people now. Layla didn't really like Aeris at first but that's only because she just got fixed and was very sore. But now they are best friends!

June...nothing much happen. We was adjusting to having two dogs around the house and making sure that they got a long. We worked on the garden a lot. It is now finish. We laid the bricks for the walk way and it looks really nice now. I keep getting comments about it and how good it is. Oh...Cale, Allyssa and Bryson where also in town.

July...there was the fireworks. We actually had a family bbq at our house. We invited everyone from my side of the family over. Afterwards, we watched the fireworks at the soccer fields and then held our own show. It was a lot of fun. I got to spend a lot of time with Cale, Allyssa, and little Bryson. The weekend afterwards Oaklen had a birthday party. This time he had gotten one of those huge blown up watersides. It was a lot of fun. The week and a half later I found out that my grandma was in the hospital and no one knew she was there the for 4 days. She was there because she didn't keep up on her diagnosis. She spent the rest of the month there trying to get her body from breaking down.

August...My grandma's condition was then realize...it was much worst then what the doctors had thought. She needed to get a heart valve transplant because the diagnosis had caused so much calcification that the valve wasn't working the right way.  The heart doctor recommend that we sent my grandma to SLC for heart surgery or she would died within a month to 6 months. She decided to go for it and was transfer around for a while until after the surgery was performed. We call and checked up on her a lot. While this was going on, I ended up getting pregnant again but lost it without realizing that I had gotten pregnant until afterwards. In a way, I am thankful that it didn't happen like the last time.

September...on the 3rd we rushed down to SLC because we was told that my grandma was worst to the point that she was on life support. When we got there, we found out that she was doing really well. Hardly had her oxygen mask on. Let's just say, I was not happy at all with everything and the mix messages that we was getting. So we meet with the doctor and the case manager and decided that we wanted Grandma to come home asap. We then told my mom and her siblings what was really going on. After meeting with the doc and case manager, we went and talked to grandma for a while and my mom and uncle talked to her. We stay for a little bit longer before heading home. That Saturday night, she passed away. I spent a lot of the time helping my mom put the funeral together and putting together her life sketch as best as possible. The next saturday we held a graveside services for her and I gave her life sketch. I was happy she wasn't in any pain anymore but it hurt to see her go. Due to my grandma passing, we didn't do anything for our anniversary. The rest of the  month didn't have anything going on.

October...Shami turn 17 this year. She didn't really do anything for her birthday but we did get her a present. Followed soon afterwards was Brooke's 18th birthday. A week later I found Opa had to be rushed to the hospital early in the month  because he thought he had kidney stones. When in to surgery and had his gallbladder taken out along with some stones but the ones that where causing all the pain they couldn't get to. So Opa had to wear a bag while they flushed his liver and panaceas clean to remove the stone for about 3 weeks before they came out. The doctors then tested the stones. At the end of the month, we was told that Opa had liver cancer and it was spending to his panaceas pretty fast and there was nothing that they could do. So we spend as much time with Opa as were could.  On the 27th, Brooke and Grayson got married thru the courts so that he could be back in time for they wedding. It's was really weird reason but it had to be done. I ended up being one of the witnesses (Grayson father was the other one).

November...Korey flied back at the begin of the month. We was up at the house almost nightly. It was hard to see Opa getting ready to pass as the days went by. The first friday night, we went up on the hill to see him like we usually did when things took a turn for a worst. It hit me really hard, so hard that I didn't want to leave him. A lot of the my male cousins, uncles and Logan gave Opa a blessing. My own mother came up soon afterwards and took me out of the room after getting chewed out by Opa (it was pretty funny. That was the most that Opa talk that night). Soon afterwards, we went home. I was very much tired and had a lesson to finish to prepare for my primary class. After church the next day, Korey and Logan was acting strange until I figured out that Opa had passed around 3 and gotten a text from my dad about it. We then held his funeral the following Saturday. Korey got to tell half of Opa's life sketch. I had never cried so hard since I lost my great grandpa brown when I was 7 or 8. I still cry over the fact that Opa is no longer here but I know he is happy. The same day as the funeral, Mom had a Thanksgiving Dinner at her house because Grayson was heading out to Boot Camp and wasn't going to be here until around christmas then would be back until June. Thanksgiving Day was spend at Logan's Mom's house with all of Logan's siblings and nieces. It was a nice change of pace for us. Our cute little nieces were growing so fast and getting prettier by the day. We helped put up Barbara's (Logan's mom) christmas stuff. The next day we when back over and had our Christmas day with them and opened presents. From Katlin and Nathan, we ended up going out and eating dinner on them and Logan's Mom took all the siblings and couples to The Forgotten Carols (which by the way was Logan and my first time to see it). I told Logan that we should look into going ever year to it.

That is pretty much what has happen up to December. The only thing that has been done this month was putting up our christmas tree. This week is the Gilbert's Christmas Party and in another week will be Katlin's and Nathan's wedding anniversary along with Oma's birthday.


Well now you are back up to day. More to come soon.

Daxton Otto Danklefsen

I would like to announce that my handsome little nephew has finally come. This is Korey's and Stefanie's little boy. He looked a lot like Korey besides the fact that he doesn't look like a hairy ape as Korey did when he was born. There was a lot of family waiting there during the c-section. When we first saw him no one knew if he was the right baby. Brook even asked if it had a penis? Really? It was pretty funny at the time. Anyways, has soon as we was told that it was little Dax we all rushed to the window and started to take lots of pictures.

moments into the c-section

 We had to wait a little wait for Stefanie to get comfortable after the c-section and do Dax's first feeding before we was able to come and see the whole new family.

Korey introducing the new family member to all the family there.

 Unfortunately I was having a hard time about this point due to the miscarriage and wanted my own little miracle. And to top it off there was just so many people there that I just waited until it start clearing out (actually Korey came and got me and told me to come in). When Logan and I walked in there Korey told Shami to hand over the baby to me and Logan. I do have to say that little man sure did wake up my mother instincts. Moments after getting him, he just stare in the direction of my face (I know that babies can't really see at this point) and I felt like we bonded right there. After Logan took my picture and I handed him off to Logan. I wanted to see him hold another infant in his arms. (I have always loved seeing Logan hold a new born infant. He's just so gentle and in a way it lets me know somewhat what he will look like when we have our own.)

Logan's first time holding little Dax

 Logan did hold him for too long because Stefanie's sisters came in at that point so we handed him off too them. I do have to say that this little man sure was a blessing to all of us that day. I can't wait to see what he turns out like.

One day off little Dax

Update on Health Problems

I will tell you that I always forget why I love my doctor so much. To tell you the truth I do not like doctors at all (if you couldn't tell). I don't know why but for some reason I just do not like doctors.

Anyways, this morning was hard for me to get up because I only got about 3 hours. I had to take Logan to work and then when home to eat breakfast. When I got to the office I was falling asleep in the chair in the front office and when I was back in the room waiting for Dr. Wheeler. I will tell you that I didn't even wait for 5 minutes before she got to the room. When she walked in the room she could just tell that there was a problems.

After we started to talk about, I explained what kind of symptoms I was having and everything that she need to know that I was doing for my health. I will tell you I felt like crying the whole time I was there because I am just so done with everything that has to do my health. Dr. Wheeler said that my body isn't responding to the thyroid medicine. She said that she wanted to up the dose from what I have been on. I told her that it was fine but I wanted to do something that is more natural for the body. She asked if I wanted to do the Armour Thyroid. When she said that my whole body relaxed but I didn't let it because I think I may have passed out in a way. We also talked about do part of the 5-2 diet. This has to do with eating like I usually do but two days of the week I have to only take 500 calories. I talked to her about maybe just juicing those days and she said that would be great. She than told me that there is more to my health problems. She told me that it is most likely adrenal fatigue. There isn't really a test to take but it's Ok because she knew from my symptoms what was going on. So she gave me a supplement for my adrenal glands to help them go back to normal.

I will tell you that adrenal fatigue is due to some type of trauma, under a lot of stress and many more things. So my doctor subject that I should see a counselor for anxiety problems. Well, I will be truthful. I have been seeing one for 2 months now. There has been many things that I probably should have been able to deal with things like the miscarriage and more that I have to help with the grieving progress that I always just pushed off when I needed to cry. I am truly grateful that Logan was supportive about the decision in the first place. He has even joined me in one the of the sessions and it helped him understand a lot of what I have gone thru and what I am going thru right now which is a life savior for me.   

 Dr Wheeler did say that it would be a good idea to still see Dr. Merrill and have some test done and see if there are more problems with my ovaries or tubes because if they are it will take some time to fix. I will be see her next week on Tuesday and I guess I will have to see what tests and the results are. I sure am praying for some answers there for sure too.

I would say that I am very happy that things are getting figuring out now. I know that there are times when I just want answers and I want things to just go back to normal before I started getting sick but there are things that I need to know or learn before I need to more on with life. We sure do have a wild ride for life.

More Problems...AGAIN!!

I swear that my life is never problem-free. There is always something happening that we didn't expect or want to happen...mostly my health.

For the last month I have been really sick and it's not been easy either. Finally, last week I called into my doctor and let her know that I think that my medicine wasn't working anymore because I felt like it was the same as before I was diagnose with my hypothyroidism. Let me remind you what I have. I have been diagnose with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Insulin Resistance, Hypothyroidism and a infertility problem. Right now I am fighting (still) PCOS, Hypothyroidism and infertility problems. Due to the fact that I know (well, thought) but my doctor said that it wasn't my thyroid and didn't really answer my question about what are mine options were. Well, she said that it's more likely that there was another problem. Really? REALLY?! Have I not gone through enough in five years but now I have to deal with it more. I am tired of one doctor saying there is this problem while others say there are these problems. Well, I am soooo tired of it. I want answers NOW.

Logan and I have both agreed that we can't take this much more. We want to move on with our lives but we can't do that due to the fact that my health is causing so much problems for us. We have decided that if my doctor after 2 years (and the only one that was able to help get me pregnant) can't give me answers or something that feel like should happen. We decided to see two more doctors. Well, an ob/gyn named Dr. Carrie Merrill because she heard about me and my problems and asked if she could help me out. And the other one is a naturopath doctor. This doctor may be more on the natural side (which is the best feeling in the world) but she specialize in hormonal problems and is my older sister's doctor when it comes to hormonal problems. Amanda has told me she has been amazing and so helpful.

Anyways, the day after I left this note to my doctor, she order some blood test. I got them done the next following day. I found out that she asked for hemoglobin (I think I spelled that right) count, blood count, liver and kidney functions, and a thyroid panel. Friday came around and I went to the my doctor's office to get the results and the first thing I looked at was the thyroid panel results...guess who was right! I think I would know my body by now. But soon after I notice that my AST level was low or considered low by 5 points. The first thing that came to my mind was "what is AST level?" So I started looking it up and found out is has to do with the liver. It is one of the two proteins that does a lot of things for the liver. Then I made a wrong decision on my part...I decided to see what can cause this. I will never do something like this again. There were so many freaking things that I just had to stop looking at answers. I can tell you that I will wait until I see the doctor at the appointment for the results. I will never do that again...unless it has to do with a pregnancy.
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Anyways, my appointment is actually Wednesday at 10:30am. I will say that I am worry but I am trying to not worry so much. I will eventually figure out what the test results means anyway. I will post what will happen at the appointment and what decision we decided to take.

Some Very Hard Times

Recently there as been a lot of people telling that they are expecting or that they finally figured out what they are having and it's been really hard for me (it's kind of hard for Logan but he's been more worry about how I feel then anything else at that moment). It has been even hard on me if I heard that they are having a boy. I am guessing it has to do a lot with the miscarriage I had about a year and a half ago. I had thought the whole time that it was a boy which doesn't help right now.

Anyways, I got so depressed about it and made a decision that I should just quit while I am a head of myself.What I am by that is to quit trying for one because I felt that it wasn't going to happen. Logan had to do a lot of talking to me before I was able to change my mind back to keep trying for a child. But its just so hurtful what I go thru and not a lot of my family members know what I am going thru. My dad is starting to get an understanding since he's been living here close to a year now and he sees me go thru the phases whenever these times happen. But it also doesn't help the fact that he also adds fuel to the fire too sometimes without knowing.

But recently I have been having this repeating dream at nights where I am having a child and enjoying everything about it. I am always so happy during the dream but once I come back to reality, it hurts a lot. I do want to know the joys of having a family but some times the pain itself is so hard to manage. I really wish it wasn't but I know if I don't go thru this then I won't enjoy the time with my bundles of joy as much when the time comes. In a way, I guess I know what the Heavenly Father felt when he sent Jesus to earth.

In may be hard for us in the end to get pregnant but our desires are righteous and true. In one way or another we will have a children one day and we just can't wait for that day to come. 

Day 6 - Conference Again and Tour of Pisa

Logan had part of today for the conference while the other part was for touring Pisa.

We walked about 20 minutes from the hotel to see the leaning tower of Pisa! It was so busy. There is a market place right before you go through the gate to get to the tower, cathedral, Baptistry and cemetery (along with many museums around them). Here are some pictures:

A map of the Plaza Duomo

From Left: Cemetery, cathedral and leaning tower

This is how busy it is most of the time in the plaza

Leaning Tower

from left: cathedral, baptistry, and cemetery

This is a picture of the inside of the cemetery

Outside of the cemetery

The cathedral

There was so much in this plaza to do. There was also a lot of gift shops with so many neat things. I just felt bad that we couldn't take more back with us than what we got for family. I will say this tho...I don't think I'll every go into another cathedral in Italy. This one had a glass coffin in it with a dead person in it (take note: the person was important to them) and than on the other side of the cathedral there was a skull in a small glass box. It creeps me out so  much! Don't get me wrong...dead body don't really scary me...its just the fact that it was on show-case for the whole world to see.

We decided not to go up the leaning tower because you had to get to the top and back down within 30 minutes. I did find it pretty cool how it was leaning. We went to all the museums too. It was so much fun. On the way, back Logan got a spicy chicken Doner Kebab and I got some gelato ice cream.

Another Death in the Family

There was another death in the family. I was so shocking to hear. More because I didn't think that he would pass plus he wasn't that old. But I guess things happen for a reason. 

My (mom's) uncle died on Monday soon after going into a coma. Hours later after he went into a coma, he had a heart attack. He was just 68 years old. Most of the people in my mom's side of the family live every long lives...I guess Uncle Ralph wasn't supposed to. I always looked forward to seeing him and aunt Dorothy during the holidays. I love how they would always tease me and talk to me as if I matter a great deal. I helped out with the funeral a little bit. I put together some poems for Shantell for Ralph and Dorothy. Yes, I know that there is a spelling error but it's fine. Here are the pictures:

His funeral service was done by Wood's Funeral Home. I know the family a little bit and I am sure happy that my aunt decided to do it with them. Anyways, the services lasted two days. The viewing itself was the night before he was buried on Friday. The following morning, Saturday morning, we had the funeral services at the Wood's Funeral Homes on Elm St. It was pretty full. There were a lot of people standing in the back of the chapel. It was also pretty funny too. After the services, we found them up to Ririe-Shelton Cemetery where Great Grandpa and Grandma was buried. The Military Rites was performed by the Bonneville County Veterans Team.

I cried really hard in silence while we was at the burial site for him. I know that I will always miss him but now he is with Great Grandpa and Grandma along with Vera (my great aunt). I know he is happy now. 

And to top it all, the day Uncle Ralph got buried was my Mom's birthday. I've never seen her cried so hard during a funeral service besides Great Grandma.

Great Grandma's Death

My life couldn't get any harder than it has now. Infertility, family drama (much more than I like), 3rd round of clomid, and now my great grandma has died. Trial after trial...but right now I am  so tired. Anyways, on with the story.

It start around on my birthday. I think I said it on the last post but I'll say it again. I was told that I needed to go to a infertility specialist...a few hours later I was called by my grandma and she told me that great grandma was dying...her heart was giving out. I don't think I was fulling prepare for something like that. I had a lot going on with me at the moment and just hearing that made my whole out look on things when from ok to very bad in seconds. Anyways, I spent most of the week prepare for her funeral. Great Grandma died on the 30th at 5 am in the morning. I had gotten the called from Uncle Ralph around 7:30 am letting me know that she had passed. I was lucky because the night before I had finish rewriting her life sketch for the funeral. Later that morning I went to Uncle Ralph and Aunt Dorothy to give them the life sketch and any help that I can do. After I got there I notice that my Uncle Albert was there too. It was so nice to see him again. Anyways, I passed sketch around to see if it was to everyone's liking. The only person who made fun of me was Albert...he loves doing that. After figuring out somethings my family when to breakfast at Perkin's. I went with them and just got a banana nut muffin because I had already ate breakfast early that morning. Most of the time I was catching up with Albert. I've not seen him since I was 18 years old. Afterwards I had to go home to take some medicine for all the cramping I was starting to get. I headed back to Aunt Dorothy because she had asked me to go with them to the funeral home to get everything arrange for the funeral. After the funeral homes we when to Staker's Flowers for the flowers. I went home after that...I never been so tired in such a long time.

For the next few days I communicated with the funeral home for the program and newspaper. That Friday, we bury great grandma right by Great grandpa's grave. At the end of the viewing, Stefanie and I got to put the veil on great grandma before closing the coffin. That what really made me cry alot...along with Korey getting the graveside ready for great grandma. Dad came to the graveside service because he was fashionable late...like always. ^-^

I am very happy that Great Grandma is now with Vera and Great Grandpa even tho I am still missing her a lot just like Great Grandpa.

Freelings of Late

(I will warn you that this post as a lot of my feelings and they may be hurtful towards people but not the close friends and family that are supporting us in anyway that they can.)

From my last post...things are not looking good for my health or getting pregnant. I have a lot of emotions going through me. I know there is a lot that I have to do health-wise. But there is so much more to it. I have a lot of worries going through my head. I know I shouldn't really worry or stress about it but there's just no way that I can't worry about. Anyways, here is a list of the things that are on my mind ALWAYS:

1) This whole specialist thing: I worry about this whole specialist thing because I was able to get pregnant when I wasn't so health...but healthier than I was about 3 years ago. I am so confused. Yes it's been a year since I have gotten pregnant but there may be something that I did there that I am not doing and I've thought about it and the only thing that I was doing than that I am not doing now is I am not taking the metformin...I am starting to wonder if I really should of came off that medicine now.

2) Insurance: So Logan thought that the insurance would cover most of the money that will involved the treatment but it covers nothing. So now I have to look into getting a secondary insurance or waiting until we have insurance from Logan's new working place (he was given the ok to go get a part-time job) and seeing if they cover anything. If not than we will have to talk to the doctor's office (which ever one  I end up going to) about not being on insurance and seeing if they will reduce the price for us in a way. If not we will have to wait until we can save up enough money that we could get started on it.

3) Money: I know for a fact that this whole specialist thing isn't cheap. We don't have a lot of money saved up due to loans being payed off...mostly my school loans. Due to this...we may just have to wait a few months before I can actually get in. It's kind of depressing that I have to wait for so long but I'm hoping it will work out in the end.

4) I know this sounds mean and all but I HATE the fact that people keep telling me (or other woman) that I (we) should not stress over it and it will happen or just forget about it and it will happen! Do they even know the pain woman go through who have infertility problems. Don't get me wrong...I am family members who tell me this and I don't have this feeling towards them...it's the people that I don't even know who tell me something like this when they think they know everything about me and my life. Oh! Something else that bugs me...I have talked to a lot of mom's out there and most of them keep asking me if I really want the responsible of rising children! How dare them! I've dreamed of having my own children and rising them to be the greatest that they can be. It's one of my dreams that I have waited so long for to be fulfilled.

Overall, I just hope that there is nothing else wrong with me...I think I've had enough bad news for the year...I want to start over and get better results. But life can throw so many curve balls that it's not funny at all. I am hoping that we will be lucky enough to get pregnant next year with out any trouble and what not.